Wal-Mart Theologian: The "A" in "America" Doesn’t Stand for "Atheist."

Note: This is a re-post. Obviously, or maybe not obviously, this will be the home of W-MT, because it’s the only way I’ll really pay attention to it.

On July 4th 1776, our forefathers signed their names to a sheet of paper called “The Declaration of Independence,” a document that’d been slaved over the previous night by Thomas Jefferson, future President of this great land, who was fueled by opium and the occasional sexual pick-me-up from his favorite slavewife. It was in this way that our nation was born.

Before that, though? A bunch of outcasts from all walks of Christian life were sent packing because they weren’t so much in favor of some King having eight wives, and the same King wasn’t so much in favor of that group of people telling him how many women he could dip his wick in. So the truly devout Christians—the Pilgrims—were sent here, where they invented Plymouth Rock, Indians, Thanksgiving dinner, and America.

It goes without saying that America was founded by the first Americans, and that the first Americans were Christian. What does that mean? America was founded by God-fearing men as a Christian nation. Our forefathers? Christians…also slave owners, and the country is still healing in the aftermath of shedding that tradition.

So we live in a religious nation, with a religious President who only goes to war and only wakes up from his afternoon naps when God tells him too. People, this isn’t a good thing, it’s a great thing!

For far too long, God has been left out of politics, because some busybody thought that it would be just peachy if it was written into the Constitution that the State and the Church should be separate. Well God is back, and He wants funding for His schools, His abstinence-only sexual education programs, and really, why shouldn’t He get what He wants? Why shouldn’t He rule the Nation?

Fact: Atheist states always lose. Look at the U.S.S.R. for example. Putting God at the center of the State has worked for centuries. Look at Israel (after Exodus, pre-Rome), Rome, the Holy Roman Empire, England, and hey, wouldn’t you know it, the Vatican! They believed in God, and they prospered for it!

Fact: We’ve also prospered, but even with the aid of President Bush, the Nation is turning away from God at an alarming rate. Atheists take mundane things to court—“’In God We Trust’ is on our money, and I don’t trust in God,” they cry. Well crybabies, there is no “I” in “We.” Stop ruining our country and it’s quaint 2000 year old system of beliefs. Evolve me a better God before you start running your mouth to the Supreme Court. What’s that? You can’t evolve God? Christianity wins again.

Fact: Atheists are the enemy. They’re communists! They think that we come from monkeys! I don’t want pinko scum telling me that lightning struck a puddle somewhere and that thousands and thousands and thousands of years of trial and error later, here I am, webbed feet and all. Don’t they know that God took mud from a puddle and made us as we are right now? Perfect! In His image! All six billion of His images! Furthermore, law is much less complicated when you inject God into your puny “logic.” Who can get an abortion? A clone? Some condoms? A federal grant for stem cell research? NOBODY. These things are abominations to His Holy Name. Is it any surprise that Atheists want them?

Fact: Sadly, Christianity is confusing. My theory is that a renegade group of Atheists forged Martin Luther’s name onto a big stack of paper and nailed it to a church door. The Church wisely foresaw that the door-nailers were not the issue, but that what they nailed was. Sadly, for Martin Luther, his name was on the paper, so he was excommunicated. Disgraced, he read what the door-nailers had written, decided that it was the exact same thing as Roman Catholicism except for the part where you could buy your way into Heaven, and decided to head up this new, inferior form of it, called Protestantism.

How inferior is Protestantism? Well…nobody agrees within it, which is why they can’t eat real communion and don’t attend real mass. There’s such mass unrest within the faith that it has splintered into hundreds, maybe thousands of branches, compounds, and mega-churches. Some ordain women. Some accept gays for who they are. THIS IS INSANITY. Roman Catholicism doesn’t have to worry about insanity—we just excommunicate those we don’t agree with.

That doesn’t change the fact that the one true religion in the nation is fractured and easy to lose track of. What are we, the simple-minded of America, to do when faced with a huge question? Ask God, sure, but he’s busy sometimes, and there’s only so many angels and Saints and knowing which Saint does what is harder to keep track of than my ever-expanding collection of Pokémon (speaking of which, St. Anthony, I owe you big time for finding Mew).

The Bible is a good place to turn to, but it has a lot of pages, and there are a lot of different Bibles floating around out there. New American, New Jerusalem, King James, Book of Mormon, Everyman’s, Gideon’s, Children’s, Wikipedia…the list goes on and on. Luckily enough, I have the answer: This blog. That’s right, THE WAL-MART THEOLOGIAN.

What is Wal-Mart Theology? It’s religion for the lowest common denominator: Us. We. The Royal We. It’s all inclusive, because I know that we, as humans, were flawed the minute that Eve (that devil-woman) took fruit from the Tree of Knowledge and made us the opposite of ignorant. Race, color, creed, orientation, favorite bible, book, chapter, or verse…it doesn’t matter to me. You’re welcome here. Together, we can not only save America, but we can save ourselves.